[ he doesn't bother to respond to the last message bobby sends him and, instead, just makes his way from the up to the down for the apartments. he's done this song and dance of moving through the two different parts of duplicity — knows the ins and outs and what he needs to do and not do, so. it's not so much of a problem for him. just takes him a little since he's not some portal creating witchy magic type like he knows in his life here.
it's been awhile since he's been here — been in the apartments, but he still remembers them and with coming here, a ton of memories flood him in ways that make his steps slow. he knew this would likely happen with coming here and yet, he still did. maybe he wants to hurt right now. maybe he wants to be haunted by memories with those who have been gone for so long now. sometimes he does this. forces himself to feel the pain he tries to hide and shrug off. because it reminds him he's still alive. that he's not entirely disconnected from himself.
cigarette in mouth, he knocks on the door bobby has for himself and stands there. shoulder pressing against the wall, looking down to the floor as he waits. ]
[ Bobby, for the most part, is actually waiting for John's reply. When it never came, part of him assumed he's not coming anymore, while another, the one that prevailed, is busy arranging the meager space this city provided him. It's not much. He doesn't have a lot of furniture.
Sometimes, he still can't believe he's been seeing John more and more lately. He didn't think it's possible, but if he allowed himself to hope, then perhaps he can allow himself to sink into this reality.
A reality that slightly startled him when he hears that knock on his door. Opening it, Bobby smiles when he sees his former best friend. ]
[ cigarette there between his lips, he eyes bobby for a moment before he knocks his shoulder — purposefully — against his and makes his way inside. steps are slow. hands in jacket pockets. lips sucking on the smoke there he has in his mouth. everything looks... like it usually is around here in these apartments, save for maybe a couple things that are personal to whoever's in them, but. otherwise. they're all the same and john finds himself standing there in the middle of the room. staring. remembering things.
a glance to the bed, then the window, he sucks back on his cigarette a little more before he finally plucks it from his lips and holds it there between his fingers, wisps of smoke leaving him as he looks back over to bobby. ]
[ He watches John's every movement, blue eyes trying to decipher him as if he's a puzzle. More often than not, he is. He didn't mind the brushing of their shoulder, that's typical John. He does snort in amusement at his question, though. ]
No, 'course not. Sorry to disappoint you. [ He approaches him then sits on the bed, tapping the space beside him. ] And sorry, no expensive couch here.
[ it's muttered around the drag he takes from his smoke, allowing himself a moment as he stands there. replays certain moments over in his head. taps on the window late at night, fingers tracing over black ink on pale arms, his thumping heart as written words from a private journal leave his lips. shit. maybe he shouldn't have come back here. it's been so fucking long. he thought he'd ran away from this.
a close of his eyes, a breath let go, he looks back over to bobby there on the bed and eyes him. takes another drag. then moves over to the window. staring out it. ]
Can't stay here forever. Expect you to stay with your dominant when you get yourself one. Sometimes I'd just come back here to get away from shit. Since we don't get much here for ourselves.
[ As eyes hold John's frame, Bobby can't help but think he's not fully here, as if John's transported back somewhere else, or some other time and he wants to understand, wants to see what his friend sees, but he chooses not to pry. It's not his place. There are so many facets about John he doesn't know, and in a way, it hurts. He wants to be able to comfort, to be there, but walls built of fire are hard to cross when you're made of ice.
So, Bobby just nods, brows creasing, looking back at the door John just entered. ]
Yeah, I get it. [ His frown deepens. ] About getting a dominant, though. That's easier said than done.
Well. Now's as good a time as any to look over whatever finders pop up for the dominants around here.
[ he looks around for... there. grabbing an empty can off a table, he taps the ashes from his cigarette in there. takes another drag. looks back over to bobby there on the bed. ]
Like I said. Better for it to be your choice in picking and not being forced whoever you get.
[ he shrugs, flicking a few more ashes into the can before he takes it upon himself to lean against the wall there. another slow drag from his smoke. ]
Honestly? Just talk to you, maybe eat out, I don't know.
[ He offers a gentle smile, eyes softening, tone mild and soothing. There's longing there beneath his gaze and if John was transported back to a time he was here, Bobby's transported back to his room in the Institute where they'd hang out and talk shit about homework and stuff.
His brow creases as he laments all that time lost. ] I just miss you, that's all.
[ it's aid a little nonchalantly, but the personal heartache is there in his eyes as he stares across the room. ]
Sometimes they leave, then come back, then leave again. So you can't say that you won't go anywhere. Because you don't have a say in that. None of us do.
[ Bobby sees that heartache in his eyes and it stings because he was right. He can't comfort him because he doesn't understand what hurts. He wants to understand. He wants to comfort him, but he can only do so much right now. ]
So, is that why you're gonna push me away again? Because I'm gonna leave anyway? Not gonna fight it, John? [ Brows furrow even further, blue eyes shine as they gloss. ] Not gonna tell this place fuck you I'm gonna make every little second matter because I care about the people here? Just gonna run away?
[ His voice doesn't rise, nor does his tone linger away from being mild, even when his expression turns more distressed. ]
[ there's a scoff there as smoke leaves his lips. as he narrows his eyes some at bobby from across the small room, crushing the cigarette on the top of the can. ]
So what if I do? You haven't been here the past four years like I have, fuck you. You don't know a damn thing I've been through here. Maybe I'm fucking sick and tired of getting close to people only to have them fuck off from this place. It's always me left behind. Sounds familiar, don't it?
[ he's not yelling, but his voice is certainly raised a little. ]
[ Bobby closes his eyes after listening to every word John said. He takes a deep breath and lets it out when he opens his eyes again. He wants to tell him again he's not going to leave, that he chooses to stay, but those are just words, and for someone like John who had been here for four years getting repeatedly abandoned by people he cared about, while already suffering from abandonment issues, what weight do they have?
So Bobby's quick on his feet and captures John in an embrace, his chin resting on the other's shoulder as he closes his eyes because he doesn't trust tears won't fall. ]
I'm sorry. [ His voice shakes but he steadies them. ] I'm so sorry you're always left behind. [ Tightens his hug a bit. ] They can torture me, melt me, turn me into a puddle, but I'm not gonna leave. And I know these are just words, and they don't compare to everything you've experienced, but - [ His voice threatens to crack so he steadies himself again. ] - please let me try, John. Let me stay.
[ if there's one thing he hadn't expected, it's this right here. this embrace he suddenly finds himself in.
for a moment he just... stands there. visibly shocked by this sudden turn of events and the way the other mutant holds him in a way he lets so few do. he doesn't return the embrace. arms remain there at his sides as he stares, wide-eyed almost, over bobby's shoulder, across the room. words fail him, mind racing, emotions coming at him from all angles simultaneously. its... overwhelming, in a way, and it's why all he can do is just stand there in shock and disbelief. not just at the embrace he finds himself in, but bobby's words as well. for some reason, they just... don't feel real to him.
it takes him a couple more seconds before he's able to finally react and when he does, it's with hands coming up to touch at bobby's arms... gently attempting to pull him off. ]
[ The gentle attempt has Bobby finally letting go and for a second that feels like an eternity, he just stands there before John awkwardly, not knowing what to say or do next. They're in uncharted territory now. He doesn't know if John's reaction was what he expected or otherwise. All he knows is that he needed to do what he did and he went for what his instincts told him.
He offers a small smile, though, earnest eyes meeting John's. ]
I don't know what I can possibly do or say to convince you that we should try, at least, to build something. A friendship? A bond? I don't know. It's true I don't know what you've been through in this place for the last four years, and I know I never will, but I wouldn't know if you don't let me in.
[ His voice is still mild and gentle as he tries to search John's eyes for something. Is that heartache still there? ] I know it's a huge ask given what you've gone through, and you can decline of course, but please let me in, John.
bobby, thankfully, relinquishes his hold on him and john's left standing there. still mildly stunned. for a long moment, he's silent — unsure of what to say or do, but. finally. he moves away from the other mutant. moves towards the window and just... stands there. staring to it and his reflection there in front of him. ]
Alec used to climb through these windows to see me.
[ gently, he lifts a hand. presses the tip of a finger to the glass. stares to it as he slowly drags that finger down, eyes sad as he watches. ]
He'd run across rooftops with his quiver and bow. I thought it was stupid at first but then I'd leave the window open a bit so he could crawl through easier. [ there's a smile that faintly touches his lips as he remembers those nights that are so so incredibly long ago. ] He was the first guy I ever really... did anything with... felt anything for.
[ he looks to his reflection there again in the glass of the window. hates the way he can see his eyes tearing up. closing them for a second, he drops his finger away from the glass. sighs. hangs his head enough that strands of hair fall in front of his face. ]
I'd start fights with him sometimes. Because I'm jealous and insecure. Hated the thought that I wasn't enough. I didn't care if he slept with other guys. I just... didn't like the thought of not being the only one there in his heart. Not being the most important one. [ a beat, he sighs again. ] We broke up and got back together a couple times. Because of me every time. But then he disappeared and I'd never felt pain like that before in my life... I burned everything that I could until I couldn't anymore. Then he came back and disappeared again and it just... was never the same and I don't really know if he knows that, despite the shit I put him through, I really did love him and I still miss him sometimes.
[ There it is, a window to John's soul gradually opening. Bobby takes a peek, lets himself in, while he listens to words he never thought he'd hear from his best friend. There's a dull ache that persists the more John continues as he tries to piece together the story in his head. John meeting this Alec, falling for him, getting together with him, argues with him, eventually loses him. He wants to be there, places himself in those memories of years prior and long gone, in a feeble attempt to understand, to feel the anguish so he can comfort. He wants to hug John the moment his heart first broke, wants to stop him from setting ablaze everything he sees, wants to shake this Alec's shoulder so he won't leave John again, so he can remember.
But those were all in the past and he regrets not being there for his best friend. So all Bobby can do right now is quietly approach John from behind, slow steps as if any more weight will shatter this scene before him. Once he's close enough, he reaches forward and places one soft, soothing hand on John's shoulder and squeezes carefully in reassurance.
He's quiet, and in the silence of his room, he can feel his heart begin to thunder. He doesn't say anything and allows his hand do all the talking for now, and in a move that shouldn't surprise him but does, he wraps this hand around John shoulders and loosely, and ever so gently as if embracing shattered glass, hugs him from behind. Bobby knows John hates this, most likely hates this physical contact coming from him, but he wants to be here for him in all the ways he couldn't before, in all the ways that should matter. ]
[ bobby embraces him from behind and, while not shocked and confused this time about such a thing, like before, he doesn't move. just stands there. staring past his reflection to the outside down around the apartments. ]
I've done a lot of shit here. To a lot of people, too. I hade Nate magically split me in two one time to try and make myself stop feeling the way I do when I get in moods. When I want to just burn everything and everyone around me and don't give a shit about what happens after.
[ like when they'd faced off against each other on alcatraz. ]
The splitting me in two thing wasn't supposed to happen, but. Point is, I do a lot of reckless and impulsive shit when I get that way. I leave people and don't ever look back when I do.
[ like on the jet, when he'd walked away from both bobby and rogue who had wanted him to stay. ]
Except I always look back, eventually, and it's not that I regret what I've done all the time. It's more that sometimes I wish it could have gone differently.
[ Bobby holds him and lets him speak his heart, his eyes wandering on their reflection then also down to the other side. He almost winces when John told him about Nate splitting him into two. He doesn't want to imagine the pain he must've felt to even consider such a reckless move, but he knows it stings him too, in a way. Could he have stopped John during that time? Definitely not, but he wants to be there for him, at least.
John is many things, and Bobby knows this, has accepted all this. He's impulsive and his mood shifts a lot, but Bobby never sought to change him, because John's flaws make him who he is.
When Bobby speaks again, his voice never strayed from the mild, calm tone he had earlier. ]
We can't change what happened. [ Alec, splitting into two, burning everything, leaving the jet, Alcatraz. ] But we can change how we go from here.
[ Small words, he thinks, but hopes they're enough. John doesn't like the sappy, nerdy, weird things he says so he keeps it succint and genuine. His thumb softly caresses his shoulder to somehow add more reassurance. ]
[ can they? he doesn't know. granted, it's been a number of years since he, personally, has seen bobby and, therefore, the sting and anger he'd carried with him prior to his leaving the x-men and everything that happened on alcatraz has softened some, but. john is still john. still a raging fire when angered or wronged and still prone to recklessly impulsive decisions he doesn't always think through. sure, they may be having a moment right now, but it won't last. learning how to weather john's drop of a hat mood swings is something only very few can handle, he's learned.
but those that can are still here, surprisingly.
he turns then. looking to bobby, back somewhat pressed against the glass of the window. stares to him in silence for a long moment, as if trying to recall all their time spent together at the school before everything happened. was that really him or just a means to try and fit in around the school? sometimes it's hard for him to tell and he's spent a number of years here trying to figure that out — soften his anger. ]
You know I'm just gonna hurt you, right?
[ a warning he gives to him while he's in a moment of self-awareness. ]
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it's been awhile since he's been here — been in the apartments, but he still remembers them and with coming here, a ton of memories flood him in ways that make his steps slow. he knew this would likely happen with coming here and yet, he still did. maybe he wants to hurt right now. maybe he wants to be haunted by memories with those who have been gone for so long now. sometimes he does this. forces himself to feel the pain he tries to hide and shrug off. because it reminds him he's still alive. that he's not entirely disconnected from himself.
cigarette in mouth, he knocks on the door bobby has for himself and stands there. shoulder pressing against the wall, looking down to the floor as he waits. ]
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Sometimes, he still can't believe he's been seeing John more and more lately. He didn't think it's possible, but if he allowed himself to hope, then perhaps he can allow himself to sink into this reality.
A reality that slightly startled him when he hears that knock on his door. Opening it, Bobby smiles when he sees his
formerbest friend. ]Hey. Come in.
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a glance to the bed, then the window, he sucks back on his cigarette a little more before he finally plucks it from his lips and holds it there between his fingers, wisps of smoke leaving him as he looks back over to bobby. ]
You don't bring people back here to fuck, do you?
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No, 'course not. Sorry to disappoint you. [ He approaches him then sits on the bed, tapping the space beside him. ] And sorry, no expensive couch here.
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[ it's muttered around the drag he takes from his smoke, allowing himself a moment as he stands there. replays certain moments over in his head. taps on the window late at night, fingers tracing over black ink on pale arms, his thumping heart as written words from a private journal leave his lips. shit. maybe he shouldn't have come back here. it's been so fucking long. he thought he'd ran away from this.
a close of his eyes, a breath let go, he looks back over to bobby there on the bed and eyes him. takes another drag. then moves over to the window. staring out it. ]
Can't stay here forever. Expect you to stay with your dominant when you get yourself one. Sometimes I'd just come back here to get away from shit. Since we don't get much here for ourselves.
[ submissives, he means. ]
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So, Bobby just nods, brows creasing, looking back at the door John just entered. ]
Yeah, I get it. [ His frown deepens. ] About getting a dominant, though. That's easier said than done.
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[ he looks around for... there. grabbing an empty can off a table, he taps the ashes from his cigarette in there. takes another drag. looks back over to bobby there on the bed. ]
Like I said. Better for it to be your choice in picking and not being forced whoever you get.
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[ He heaves out a sigh, watches him tap the ashes of his cigarette into that empty can. ]
Maybe I'll get more luck the next time they do that finder. [ Bobby's fully expecting he'd still be here by that time. ]
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It hasn't even been a day, calm down. You can still find someone on there.
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[
I'm sorry, Bobby, truly I amHe rolls his eyes and heaves out another sigh. He nods at John. ]So, what do you wanna do?
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[ he shrugs, flicking a few more ashes into the can before he takes it upon himself to lean against the wall there. another slow drag from his smoke. ]
What do you wanna do?
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[ He offers a gentle smile, eyes softening, tone mild and soothing. There's longing there beneath his gaze and if John was transported back to a time he was here, Bobby's transported back to his room in the Institute where they'd hang out and talk shit about homework and stuff.
His brow creases as he laments all that time lost. ] I just miss you, that's all.
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[ typical john. a push, a shove, a bridge burned that he maybe he shouldn't have. because that's easier to do after all. ]
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[ It was said too quickly as a reply, in a tone so matter-of-fact, even. Bobby doesn't want to mince his words anymore, not when it concerns John. ]
Why are you still pushing me away? I'm not going anywhere, John, I've already told you that.
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[ it's aid a little nonchalantly, but the personal heartache is there in his eyes as he stares across the room. ]
Sometimes they leave, then come back, then leave again. So you can't say that you won't go anywhere. Because you don't have a say in that. None of us do.
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So, is that why you're gonna push me away again? Because I'm gonna leave anyway? Not gonna fight it, John? [ Brows furrow even further, blue eyes shine as they gloss. ] Not gonna tell this place fuck you I'm gonna make every little second matter because I care about the people here? Just gonna run away?
[ His voice doesn't rise, nor does his tone linger away from being mild, even when his expression turns more distressed. ]
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So what if I do? You haven't been here the past four years like I have, fuck you. You don't know a damn thing I've been through here. Maybe I'm fucking sick and tired of getting close to people only to have them fuck off from this place. It's always me left behind. Sounds familiar, don't it?
[ he's not yelling, but his voice is certainly raised a little. ]
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So Bobby's quick on his feet and captures John in an embrace, his chin resting on the other's shoulder as he closes his eyes because he doesn't trust tears won't fall. ]
I'm sorry. [ His voice shakes but he steadies them. ] I'm so sorry you're always left behind. [ Tightens his hug a bit. ] They can torture me, melt me, turn me into a puddle, but I'm not gonna leave. And I know these are just words, and they don't compare to everything you've experienced, but - [ His voice threatens to crack so he steadies himself again. ] - please let me try, John. Let me stay.
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for a moment he just... stands there. visibly shocked by this sudden turn of events and the way the other mutant holds him in a way he lets so few do. he doesn't return the embrace. arms remain there at his sides as he stares, wide-eyed almost, over bobby's shoulder, across the room. words fail him, mind racing, emotions coming at him from all angles simultaneously. its... overwhelming, in a way, and it's why all he can do is just stand there in shock and disbelief. not just at the embrace he finds himself in, but bobby's words as well. for some reason, they just... don't feel real to him.
it takes him a couple more seconds before he's able to finally react and when he does, it's with hands coming up to touch at bobby's arms... gently attempting to pull him off. ]
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He offers a small smile, though, earnest eyes meeting John's. ]
I don't know what I can possibly do or say to convince you that we should try, at least, to build something. A friendship? A bond? I don't know. It's true I don't know what you've been through in this place for the last four years, and I know I never will, but I wouldn't know if you don't let me in.
[ His voice is still mild and gentle as he tries to search John's eyes for something. Is that heartache still there? ] I know it's a huge ask given what you've gone through, and you can decline of course, but please let me in, John.
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bobby, thankfully, relinquishes his hold on him and john's left standing there. still mildly stunned. for a long moment, he's silent — unsure of what to say or do, but. finally. he moves away from the other mutant. moves towards the window and just... stands there. staring to it and his reflection there in front of him. ]
Alec used to climb through these windows to see me.
[ gently, he lifts a hand. presses the tip of a finger to the glass. stares to it as he slowly drags that finger down, eyes sad as he watches. ]
He'd run across rooftops with his quiver and bow. I thought it was stupid at first but then I'd leave the window open a bit so he could crawl through easier. [ there's a smile that faintly touches his lips as he remembers those nights that are so so incredibly long ago. ] He was the first guy I ever really... did anything with... felt anything for.
[ he looks to his reflection there again in the glass of the window. hates the way he can see his eyes tearing up. closing them for a second, he drops his finger away from the glass. sighs. hangs his head enough that strands of hair fall in front of his face. ]
I'd start fights with him sometimes. Because I'm jealous and insecure. Hated the thought that I wasn't enough. I didn't care if he slept with other guys. I just... didn't like the thought of not being the only one there in his heart. Not being the most important one. [ a beat, he sighs again. ] We broke up and got back together a couple times. Because of me every time. But then he disappeared and I'd never felt pain like that before in my life... I burned everything that I could until I couldn't anymore. Then he came back and disappeared again and it just... was never the same and I don't really know if he knows that, despite the shit I put him through, I really did love him and I still miss him sometimes.
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But those were all in the past and he regrets not being there for his best friend. So all Bobby can do right now is quietly approach John from behind, slow steps as if any more weight will shatter this scene before him. Once he's close enough, he reaches forward and places one soft, soothing hand on John's shoulder and squeezes carefully in reassurance.
He's quiet, and in the silence of his room, he can feel his heart begin to thunder. He doesn't say anything and allows his hand do all the talking for now, and in a move that shouldn't surprise him but does, he wraps this hand around John shoulders and loosely, and ever so gently as if embracing shattered glass, hugs him from behind. Bobby knows John hates this, most likely hates this physical contact coming from him, but he wants to be here for him in all the ways he couldn't before, in all the ways that should matter. ]
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I've done a lot of shit here. To a lot of people, too. I hade Nate magically split me in two one time to try and make myself stop feeling the way I do when I get in moods. When I want to just burn everything and everyone around me and don't give a shit about what happens after.
[ like when they'd faced off against each other on alcatraz. ]
The splitting me in two thing wasn't supposed to happen, but. Point is, I do a lot of reckless and impulsive shit when I get that way. I leave people and don't ever look back when I do.
[ like on the jet, when he'd walked away from both bobby and rogue who had wanted him to stay. ]
Except I always look back, eventually, and it's not that I regret what I've done all the time. It's more that sometimes I wish it could have gone differently.
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John is many things, and Bobby knows this, has accepted all this. He's impulsive and his mood shifts a lot, but Bobby never sought to change him, because John's flaws make him who he is.
When Bobby speaks again, his voice never strayed from the mild, calm tone he had earlier. ]
We can't change what happened. [ Alec, splitting into two, burning everything, leaving the jet, Alcatraz. ] But we can change how we go from here.
[ Small words, he thinks, but hopes they're enough. John doesn't like the sappy, nerdy, weird things he says so he keeps it succint and genuine. His thumb softly caresses his shoulder to somehow add more reassurance. ]
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but those that can are still here, surprisingly.
he turns then. looking to bobby, back somewhat pressed against the glass of the window. stares to him in silence for a long moment, as if trying to recall all their time spent together at the school before everything happened. was that really him or just a means to try and fit in around the school? sometimes it's hard for him to tell and he's spent a number of years here trying to figure that out — soften his anger. ]
You know I'm just gonna hurt you, right?
[ a warning he gives to him while he's in a moment of self-awareness. ]
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