[ he shrugs, flicking a few more ashes into the can before he takes it upon himself to lean against the wall there. another slow drag from his smoke. ]
Honestly? Just talk to you, maybe eat out, I don't know.
[ He offers a gentle smile, eyes softening, tone mild and soothing. There's longing there beneath his gaze and if John was transported back to a time he was here, Bobby's transported back to his room in the Institute where they'd hang out and talk shit about homework and stuff.
His brow creases as he laments all that time lost. ] I just miss you, that's all.
[ it's aid a little nonchalantly, but the personal heartache is there in his eyes as he stares across the room. ]
Sometimes they leave, then come back, then leave again. So you can't say that you won't go anywhere. Because you don't have a say in that. None of us do.
[ Bobby sees that heartache in his eyes and it stings because he was right. He can't comfort him because he doesn't understand what hurts. He wants to understand. He wants to comfort him, but he can only do so much right now. ]
So, is that why you're gonna push me away again? Because I'm gonna leave anyway? Not gonna fight it, John? [ Brows furrow even further, blue eyes shine as they gloss. ] Not gonna tell this place fuck you I'm gonna make every little second matter because I care about the people here? Just gonna run away?
[ His voice doesn't rise, nor does his tone linger away from being mild, even when his expression turns more distressed. ]
[ there's a scoff there as smoke leaves his lips. as he narrows his eyes some at bobby from across the small room, crushing the cigarette on the top of the can. ]
So what if I do? You haven't been here the past four years like I have, fuck you. You don't know a damn thing I've been through here. Maybe I'm fucking sick and tired of getting close to people only to have them fuck off from this place. It's always me left behind. Sounds familiar, don't it?
[ he's not yelling, but his voice is certainly raised a little. ]
[ Bobby closes his eyes after listening to every word John said. He takes a deep breath and lets it out when he opens his eyes again. He wants to tell him again he's not going to leave, that he chooses to stay, but those are just words, and for someone like John who had been here for four years getting repeatedly abandoned by people he cared about, while already suffering from abandonment issues, what weight do they have?
So Bobby's quick on his feet and captures John in an embrace, his chin resting on the other's shoulder as he closes his eyes because he doesn't trust tears won't fall. ]
I'm sorry. [ His voice shakes but he steadies them. ] I'm so sorry you're always left behind. [ Tightens his hug a bit. ] They can torture me, melt me, turn me into a puddle, but I'm not gonna leave. And I know these are just words, and they don't compare to everything you've experienced, but - [ His voice threatens to crack so he steadies himself again. ] - please let me try, John. Let me stay.
[ if there's one thing he hadn't expected, it's this right here. this embrace he suddenly finds himself in.
for a moment he just... stands there. visibly shocked by this sudden turn of events and the way the other mutant holds him in a way he lets so few do. he doesn't return the embrace. arms remain there at his sides as he stares, wide-eyed almost, over bobby's shoulder, across the room. words fail him, mind racing, emotions coming at him from all angles simultaneously. its... overwhelming, in a way, and it's why all he can do is just stand there in shock and disbelief. not just at the embrace he finds himself in, but bobby's words as well. for some reason, they just... don't feel real to him.
it takes him a couple more seconds before he's able to finally react and when he does, it's with hands coming up to touch at bobby's arms... gently attempting to pull him off. ]
[ The gentle attempt has Bobby finally letting go and for a second that feels like an eternity, he just stands there before John awkwardly, not knowing what to say or do next. They're in uncharted territory now. He doesn't know if John's reaction was what he expected or otherwise. All he knows is that he needed to do what he did and he went for what his instincts told him.
He offers a small smile, though, earnest eyes meeting John's. ]
I don't know what I can possibly do or say to convince you that we should try, at least, to build something. A friendship? A bond? I don't know. It's true I don't know what you've been through in this place for the last four years, and I know I never will, but I wouldn't know if you don't let me in.
[ His voice is still mild and gentle as he tries to search John's eyes for something. Is that heartache still there? ] I know it's a huge ask given what you've gone through, and you can decline of course, but please let me in, John.
bobby, thankfully, relinquishes his hold on him and john's left standing there. still mildly stunned. for a long moment, he's silent — unsure of what to say or do, but. finally. he moves away from the other mutant. moves towards the window and just... stands there. staring to it and his reflection there in front of him. ]
Alec used to climb through these windows to see me.
[ gently, he lifts a hand. presses the tip of a finger to the glass. stares to it as he slowly drags that finger down, eyes sad as he watches. ]
He'd run across rooftops with his quiver and bow. I thought it was stupid at first but then I'd leave the window open a bit so he could crawl through easier. [ there's a smile that faintly touches his lips as he remembers those nights that are so so incredibly long ago. ] He was the first guy I ever really... did anything with... felt anything for.
[ he looks to his reflection there again in the glass of the window. hates the way he can see his eyes tearing up. closing them for a second, he drops his finger away from the glass. sighs. hangs his head enough that strands of hair fall in front of his face. ]
I'd start fights with him sometimes. Because I'm jealous and insecure. Hated the thought that I wasn't enough. I didn't care if he slept with other guys. I just... didn't like the thought of not being the only one there in his heart. Not being the most important one. [ a beat, he sighs again. ] We broke up and got back together a couple times. Because of me every time. But then he disappeared and I'd never felt pain like that before in my life... I burned everything that I could until I couldn't anymore. Then he came back and disappeared again and it just... was never the same and I don't really know if he knows that, despite the shit I put him through, I really did love him and I still miss him sometimes.
[ There it is, a window to John's soul gradually opening. Bobby takes a peek, lets himself in, while he listens to words he never thought he'd hear from his best friend. There's a dull ache that persists the more John continues as he tries to piece together the story in his head. John meeting this Alec, falling for him, getting together with him, argues with him, eventually loses him. He wants to be there, places himself in those memories of years prior and long gone, in a feeble attempt to understand, to feel the anguish so he can comfort. He wants to hug John the moment his heart first broke, wants to stop him from setting ablaze everything he sees, wants to shake this Alec's shoulder so he won't leave John again, so he can remember.
But those were all in the past and he regrets not being there for his best friend. So all Bobby can do right now is quietly approach John from behind, slow steps as if any more weight will shatter this scene before him. Once he's close enough, he reaches forward and places one soft, soothing hand on John's shoulder and squeezes carefully in reassurance.
He's quiet, and in the silence of his room, he can feel his heart begin to thunder. He doesn't say anything and allows his hand do all the talking for now, and in a move that shouldn't surprise him but does, he wraps this hand around John shoulders and loosely, and ever so gently as if embracing shattered glass, hugs him from behind. Bobby knows John hates this, most likely hates this physical contact coming from him, but he wants to be here for him in all the ways he couldn't before, in all the ways that should matter. ]
[ bobby embraces him from behind and, while not shocked and confused this time about such a thing, like before, he doesn't move. just stands there. staring past his reflection to the outside down around the apartments. ]
I've done a lot of shit here. To a lot of people, too. I hade Nate magically split me in two one time to try and make myself stop feeling the way I do when I get in moods. When I want to just burn everything and everyone around me and don't give a shit about what happens after.
[ like when they'd faced off against each other on alcatraz. ]
The splitting me in two thing wasn't supposed to happen, but. Point is, I do a lot of reckless and impulsive shit when I get that way. I leave people and don't ever look back when I do.
[ like on the jet, when he'd walked away from both bobby and rogue who had wanted him to stay. ]
Except I always look back, eventually, and it's not that I regret what I've done all the time. It's more that sometimes I wish it could have gone differently.
[ Bobby holds him and lets him speak his heart, his eyes wandering on their reflection then also down to the other side. He almost winces when John told him about Nate splitting him into two. He doesn't want to imagine the pain he must've felt to even consider such a reckless move, but he knows it stings him too, in a way. Could he have stopped John during that time? Definitely not, but he wants to be there for him, at least.
John is many things, and Bobby knows this, has accepted all this. He's impulsive and his mood shifts a lot, but Bobby never sought to change him, because John's flaws make him who he is.
When Bobby speaks again, his voice never strayed from the mild, calm tone he had earlier. ]
We can't change what happened. [ Alec, splitting into two, burning everything, leaving the jet, Alcatraz. ] But we can change how we go from here.
[ Small words, he thinks, but hopes they're enough. John doesn't like the sappy, nerdy, weird things he says so he keeps it succint and genuine. His thumb softly caresses his shoulder to somehow add more reassurance. ]
[ can they? he doesn't know. granted, it's been a number of years since he, personally, has seen bobby and, therefore, the sting and anger he'd carried with him prior to his leaving the x-men and everything that happened on alcatraz has softened some, but. john is still john. still a raging fire when angered or wronged and still prone to recklessly impulsive decisions he doesn't always think through. sure, they may be having a moment right now, but it won't last. learning how to weather john's drop of a hat mood swings is something only very few can handle, he's learned.
but those that can are still here, surprisingly.
he turns then. looking to bobby, back somewhat pressed against the glass of the window. stares to him in silence for a long moment, as if trying to recall all their time spent together at the school before everything happened. was that really him or just a means to try and fit in around the school? sometimes it's hard for him to tell and he's spent a number of years here trying to figure that out — soften his anger. ]
You know I'm just gonna hurt you, right?
[ a warning he gives to him while he's in a moment of self-awareness. ]
[ Bobby searches John's eyes when the other turns around to face him. He's also lost in that sea of memories from all those years ago and he briefly wonders if they're ever going to return to them. Most likely not, so Bobby stands his ground, and means what he said. The past can't be changed anymore, both the ugly and the good, so what they do from now on is what's more important.
Reaching out his hand again, he places it on John's arm as a gesture of comfort but also assurance. He smiles, just a little, lips curving up a bit. ]
Not any more than you already have. [ Wider smile this time. ] So yeah, I know. Signed up for it since day one. [ Even if he didn't know back then. ]
[ for now is on the tip of his tongue, but. he refrains from letting it slip. instead, he brings his own hand up, presses it there firmly against bobby's shoulder and... leans in. real close. noses just barely touching... before he shoves him aside and makes his way over to the bed to which he drops himself down onto it. sprawling out. arms tucking behind his head. ]
[ The moment John leans in very close like that, Bobby's cheeks turn red despite himself. His blue eyes widen a tad and for a second he doesn't know what to do. He visibly gulps, breath hitching a little, then John shoves him away and he's gone and Bobby just stands there for a while because what the hell just happened.
Clears his throat and watches John get comfortable on his bed. ]
Yeah, uh. Hard to sleep on sometimes. [ Actually most times but he's still a bit taken aback by what happened. He eventually walks to his bed, though, and sits. ] At least you're making yourself comfortable.
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It hasn't even been a day, calm down. You can still find someone on there.
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[
I'm sorry, Bobby, truly I amHe rolls his eyes and heaves out another sigh. He nods at John. ]So, what do you wanna do?
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[ he shrugs, flicking a few more ashes into the can before he takes it upon himself to lean against the wall there. another slow drag from his smoke. ]
What do you wanna do?
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[ He offers a gentle smile, eyes softening, tone mild and soothing. There's longing there beneath his gaze and if John was transported back to a time he was here, Bobby's transported back to his room in the Institute where they'd hang out and talk shit about homework and stuff.
His brow creases as he laments all that time lost. ] I just miss you, that's all.
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[ typical john. a push, a shove, a bridge burned that he maybe he shouldn't have. because that's easier to do after all. ]
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[ It was said too quickly as a reply, in a tone so matter-of-fact, even. Bobby doesn't want to mince his words anymore, not when it concerns John. ]
Why are you still pushing me away? I'm not going anywhere, John, I've already told you that.
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[ it's aid a little nonchalantly, but the personal heartache is there in his eyes as he stares across the room. ]
Sometimes they leave, then come back, then leave again. So you can't say that you won't go anywhere. Because you don't have a say in that. None of us do.
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So, is that why you're gonna push me away again? Because I'm gonna leave anyway? Not gonna fight it, John? [ Brows furrow even further, blue eyes shine as they gloss. ] Not gonna tell this place fuck you I'm gonna make every little second matter because I care about the people here? Just gonna run away?
[ His voice doesn't rise, nor does his tone linger away from being mild, even when his expression turns more distressed. ]
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So what if I do? You haven't been here the past four years like I have, fuck you. You don't know a damn thing I've been through here. Maybe I'm fucking sick and tired of getting close to people only to have them fuck off from this place. It's always me left behind. Sounds familiar, don't it?
[ he's not yelling, but his voice is certainly raised a little. ]
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So Bobby's quick on his feet and captures John in an embrace, his chin resting on the other's shoulder as he closes his eyes because he doesn't trust tears won't fall. ]
I'm sorry. [ His voice shakes but he steadies them. ] I'm so sorry you're always left behind. [ Tightens his hug a bit. ] They can torture me, melt me, turn me into a puddle, but I'm not gonna leave. And I know these are just words, and they don't compare to everything you've experienced, but - [ His voice threatens to crack so he steadies himself again. ] - please let me try, John. Let me stay.
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for a moment he just... stands there. visibly shocked by this sudden turn of events and the way the other mutant holds him in a way he lets so few do. he doesn't return the embrace. arms remain there at his sides as he stares, wide-eyed almost, over bobby's shoulder, across the room. words fail him, mind racing, emotions coming at him from all angles simultaneously. its... overwhelming, in a way, and it's why all he can do is just stand there in shock and disbelief. not just at the embrace he finds himself in, but bobby's words as well. for some reason, they just... don't feel real to him.
it takes him a couple more seconds before he's able to finally react and when he does, it's with hands coming up to touch at bobby's arms... gently attempting to pull him off. ]
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He offers a small smile, though, earnest eyes meeting John's. ]
I don't know what I can possibly do or say to convince you that we should try, at least, to build something. A friendship? A bond? I don't know. It's true I don't know what you've been through in this place for the last four years, and I know I never will, but I wouldn't know if you don't let me in.
[ His voice is still mild and gentle as he tries to search John's eyes for something. Is that heartache still there? ] I know it's a huge ask given what you've gone through, and you can decline of course, but please let me in, John.
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bobby, thankfully, relinquishes his hold on him and john's left standing there. still mildly stunned. for a long moment, he's silent — unsure of what to say or do, but. finally. he moves away from the other mutant. moves towards the window and just... stands there. staring to it and his reflection there in front of him. ]
Alec used to climb through these windows to see me.
[ gently, he lifts a hand. presses the tip of a finger to the glass. stares to it as he slowly drags that finger down, eyes sad as he watches. ]
He'd run across rooftops with his quiver and bow. I thought it was stupid at first but then I'd leave the window open a bit so he could crawl through easier. [ there's a smile that faintly touches his lips as he remembers those nights that are so so incredibly long ago. ] He was the first guy I ever really... did anything with... felt anything for.
[ he looks to his reflection there again in the glass of the window. hates the way he can see his eyes tearing up. closing them for a second, he drops his finger away from the glass. sighs. hangs his head enough that strands of hair fall in front of his face. ]
I'd start fights with him sometimes. Because I'm jealous and insecure. Hated the thought that I wasn't enough. I didn't care if he slept with other guys. I just... didn't like the thought of not being the only one there in his heart. Not being the most important one. [ a beat, he sighs again. ] We broke up and got back together a couple times. Because of me every time. But then he disappeared and I'd never felt pain like that before in my life... I burned everything that I could until I couldn't anymore. Then he came back and disappeared again and it just... was never the same and I don't really know if he knows that, despite the shit I put him through, I really did love him and I still miss him sometimes.
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But those were all in the past and he regrets not being there for his best friend. So all Bobby can do right now is quietly approach John from behind, slow steps as if any more weight will shatter this scene before him. Once he's close enough, he reaches forward and places one soft, soothing hand on John's shoulder and squeezes carefully in reassurance.
He's quiet, and in the silence of his room, he can feel his heart begin to thunder. He doesn't say anything and allows his hand do all the talking for now, and in a move that shouldn't surprise him but does, he wraps this hand around John shoulders and loosely, and ever so gently as if embracing shattered glass, hugs him from behind. Bobby knows John hates this, most likely hates this physical contact coming from him, but he wants to be here for him in all the ways he couldn't before, in all the ways that should matter. ]
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I've done a lot of shit here. To a lot of people, too. I hade Nate magically split me in two one time to try and make myself stop feeling the way I do when I get in moods. When I want to just burn everything and everyone around me and don't give a shit about what happens after.
[ like when they'd faced off against each other on alcatraz. ]
The splitting me in two thing wasn't supposed to happen, but. Point is, I do a lot of reckless and impulsive shit when I get that way. I leave people and don't ever look back when I do.
[ like on the jet, when he'd walked away from both bobby and rogue who had wanted him to stay. ]
Except I always look back, eventually, and it's not that I regret what I've done all the time. It's more that sometimes I wish it could have gone differently.
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John is many things, and Bobby knows this, has accepted all this. He's impulsive and his mood shifts a lot, but Bobby never sought to change him, because John's flaws make him who he is.
When Bobby speaks again, his voice never strayed from the mild, calm tone he had earlier. ]
We can't change what happened. [ Alec, splitting into two, burning everything, leaving the jet, Alcatraz. ] But we can change how we go from here.
[ Small words, he thinks, but hopes they're enough. John doesn't like the sappy, nerdy, weird things he says so he keeps it succint and genuine. His thumb softly caresses his shoulder to somehow add more reassurance. ]
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but those that can are still here, surprisingly.
he turns then. looking to bobby, back somewhat pressed against the glass of the window. stares to him in silence for a long moment, as if trying to recall all their time spent together at the school before everything happened. was that really him or just a means to try and fit in around the school? sometimes it's hard for him to tell and he's spent a number of years here trying to figure that out — soften his anger. ]
You know I'm just gonna hurt you, right?
[ a warning he gives to him while he's in a moment of self-awareness. ]
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Reaching out his hand again, he places it on John's arm as a gesture of comfort but also assurance. He smiles, just a little, lips curving up a bit. ]
Not any more than you already have. [ Wider smile this time. ] So yeah, I know. Signed up for it since day one. [ Even if he didn't know back then. ]
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I don't know if you're dumb or stupid.
[ but, even as he says such a thing, it's not with malice or disdain. it's more flat... and teasing. ]
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Maybe both? You're welcome to tease me about it all you want, but I'm here.
[ Even if you hurt him or try to kill him again. Rigid just like the power he wields. ]
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These beds are still like they always are. Shit.
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Clears his throat and watches John get comfortable on his bed. ]
Yeah, uh. Hard to sleep on sometimes. [ Actually most times but he's still a bit taken aback by what happened. He eventually walks to his bed, though, and sits. ] At least you're making yourself comfortable.
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[ he raises a brow some as he looks to bobby there joining him on the bed. ]
The ones I had were never around. Or just barely. Got contracted and left this dump. I preferred it that way. Gave me the room all to myself.
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[ Looks around their shared apartment. Prompto's also barely around. ]
But like yours, he's barely around and I know his best friend's here and a Dominant, so he's gonna get contracted soon.
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[ something john always liked and preferred when he was living in these. ]
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